Along the Tracks

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Turkey tracks

Tonight’s the big night - I’ll be on the public affairs program “The Journal” at 8 p.m. on WBGU-TV Channel 27 to discuss the situation in Iraq. In the meantime, let’s talk turkey (from last weekend’s Bryan Times and today’s Northwest Signal):

More Bush lies! The Great Turkey Controversy

Leader Enterprise

Well, he finally did it.

For three years, this writer, though critical of the administration on many specific points of policy, has steadfastly defended the fundamental goals expressed and initiated by George W. Bush as president.

No more. This president has finally done the unthinkable, demonstrating arrogant disregard for the truth, demeaning fellow Americans and using props for political theater.

I speak, of course, of Turkeygate.

Haven’t heard of it? Let me fill you in - I’m sure you’ll be as shocked - SHOCKED!!! - as I am.

It seems that the turkey President Bush was shown carrying out during his Thanksgiving in Baghdad was - GASP! - not the same one the troops were fed!

I know, I know - it’s hard to believe that our president would bring out a golden brown centerpiece only for show, while the soldiers were force fed pre-cooked bird, cafeteria style.

Some have defended this, believe it or not, claiming that a single bird could not have fed 600 hungry service personnel. Really? How big was the bird, hmm? Couldn’t they each have had a bite, a morsel, at least?

Besides, Bush could have sauntered out, Texas-style, with a pile of precooked sliced turkey breast. The troops would have figured out what it was soon enough. He only brought out a real turkey to lift the spirits of those 600 soldiers - not to feed them. Shame, shame, shame.

With my eyes opened to this Bush deception, I decided to reconsider other incidents with a new, skeptical, even conspiratorial, outlook. To my shock and horror, I found other examples of LIES!

  • Senator Ted Kennedy did not participate in the signing ceremony for the No Child Left Behind Act two years ago. Those who noted at the time that Teddy seemed glassy-eyed and stiff understandably assumed he was loaded. In fact, it was just a cardboard cutout of the Massachusetts embarrassment.

  • Bush only wears his baseball cap when out on his ranch in Crawford, Texas, despite the fact the sun is often in his eyes while outside walking his dog, getting on and off Air Force One, participating in ceremonies in the Rose Garden, etc. It’s all for show.

  • The much ballyhooed landing on the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln was entirely faked. It seems Karl Rove called in a few favors, and the whole scene was concocted on the old set of the movie “Titanic.” The seamen in the background were actually all little GI Joes.

  • The president never “twisted arms” to get House representatives to vote for his Medicare prescription drug benefit. Despite the lies reporters were fed, Bush used no form of physical violence on any lawmakers.

  • Bush is really a flabby, short guy who would have to stand on his tippy-toes to look you in chest. “Lord of the Rings” Director Peter Jackson creates the optical illusion of a moderately tall, athletic Bush by “shrinking” people and objects around him through camera angles - the same way he made the hobbits look tiny.

  • At last year’s White House Christmas tree lighting ceremony, someone forgot to plug in the main extension cord and Bush flew into a rage, cursing out the light makers, punching the plastic reindeer and kicking the little Santa figurine up onto the White House roof. Then Laura went into the garage and noticed the breaker switch was off, flipped it back on, and everything lit up. All the relatives cheered and congratulated the much-relieved George W. - but then to his shock and horror, his cousin Eddie was standing there, and informed George he would be staying with the Bushes for the holidays.

    Okay, that last one may actually be the plot to my favorite holiday movie (“Christmas Vacation” - rent it tonight!), but you get the point. In serious times like these, we can not have a president who blatantly walks around with a turkey he has no intention of serving.

    I mean, really, what’s next? Nicely wrapped Christmas presents under the White House tree which are only empty boxes? A finely painted nutcracker soldier which can’t be used to crack nuts? Stockings hung on the mantle which have never been on anyone’s feet?

    Democrats, you finally have the issue which will take down the Bush presidency. Go get him!

    P.S. - I have recently noticed that it is important to add a disclaimer to such columns: The above is written with sarcastic intent. Any assumption that I have switched sides and become just another Bush-hater is incorrect.

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