Along the Tracks

Wednesday, July 03, 2002

Suggestions for the Fourth of July

Pardners, you get to a certain point where all the whinin’ and whimperin’, the snide comments and snooty looks, overfill the hopper. First we got the body blow of the terrorist attacks, and all the “you asked for it”s and “told you so”s that followed from the wacky liberals and media geniuses. But as the months piled up, it didn’t get any better. It’s gotten worse: Supposedly American students chanting “Death to the Jews!” at pro-Israel rallies; cavity-searched grannies to avoid the appearance of profiling; European indignation at American opposition to treaties with the express purpose of damaging America and its institutions; scolding by Arab dictators and their mouthpieces over our lack of compassion for their suicide bombers. It’s enough to kill the spirit of the average person.

Fortunately, Americans aren’t average.

That’s why our country is the only one outside of Israel that has large pro-Israel rallies that include Christians, Jews and even Moslems. That’s why our grannies take the searches in stride, and still sneak by the occasional knitting needle so they can show any would-be terrorist back to his seat. That’s why our economy is so dominant the greedy try to chain it. That’s why our country is the only one out keeping the peace by putting our own boys on the line. That’s why we don’t give in to “moral equivalence” between a democracy defending itself and killers blowing up babies.

Osama bin Laden may put out another video, Europe may condemn our objection to the International Criminal Court, some California nutcase may convince a court the Pledge of Allegiance is unconstitutional and Peter Jennings may even keep Toby Keith out of a Fourth of July celebration. But America is still America, and Americans are still Americans. So let me suggest these fine American ways to celebrate Independence Day:

1. Drive your SUV around the block, then leave it running in your driveway for five minutes - just because you can.

2. Make little paper cutout figures named “Osama,” “Saddam” and “Yasser,” tape firecrackers to their backs, then light ‘em up.

3. Leave your TV off during the Canuck Jennings’ ABC special. Instead, turn your stereo speakers to the back windows and blast “Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue” at least five times.

4. Find some KKK goon and tell him his slip is showing.

5. Cook a pack of Hebrew National hotdogs. Eat two when one would have sufficed.

6. Use extra lighter fluid on your charcoal to get the Arabs a little closer to the end of their oil.

7. Find a group of leftist college students, point at them and start screaming “HATE CRIME! HATE CRIME! HATE CRIME!”

8. Seek out a veteran and thank him.

9. Go to your room alone, close your door, kneel before your God and pray for your country.


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